Blotched Job
by Kat Turner
Summary: Harry and Draco are in love. So Draco decides to take the next step. Marriage. Chaos will ensue. Warning: Draco is fluffy at times. Getting married brings fluffiness out of people. This is a SLASH story.
1. The Proposal

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Blotched Job I  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Draco, what are we doing out here?" Harry asked.  
  
"Just, you know, hanging out." Draco replied as he tried to open a champagne bottle.  
  
"We're in a rowboat, with wine and a picnic in the middle of a lake. are you up to something?" Harry asked.  
  
The cork burst from the champagne bottle and Draco filled the glasses. "What makes you think I'm up to something?" he asked. He looked nervous. "Now, there are sandwiches here. I know you like egg and lettuce so I brought some of those," Draco babbled.  
  
"As apposed to the Vegemite, tomato sauce, ham and sausage sandwiches you like?" Harry asked.  
  
"Hey, I was born with refined taste," he chortled. "I can't help it!"  
  
Harry took a bite of his sandwich. Draco watched nervously. Was Draco trying to kill him or something. Whilst considering the dastardly plot that his boyfriend, Draco, might have up his sleeve, he conveniently forgot to chew.  
  
Suddenly, something was lodged in his throat. He tried to suck in air, but couldn't. Draco, you bastard! You did this! Harry thought to himself.  
  
He knew his face was turning red, he could feel the heat rising to his head. Draco looked concerned.  
  
"Harry, are you alright?" he asked. Then on second thought, "Oh Merlin! You're choking!"  
  
He bounced up and grabbed Harry by the waist, completely forgetting his wand. The movement of the boat caused the whole thing to tip over, throwing Harry and Draco into the water.  
  
While trying to keep Harry up, Draco was also performing the Heimlich manoeuvre. Harry spat out whatever it was he had been choking on and thrashed in the water.  
  
Draco scooped up whatever it was and fought Harry who was trying to get away from him.  
  
"Murder! Murder!" Harry tried to scream as water was rushing into his mouth.  
  
"Harry! Stop! I wasn't trying to murder you!" Draco yelled in outrage.  
  
"Then why did you put something in my sandwich! I thought we were over that trying to kill each other stage! I thought you loved me!" Harry screamed, splashing water as he enunciated words.  
  
"I'm not trying to kill you! I'm trying to marry you for Merlin's sake!" Draco replied savagely, thrusting the ring in front of Harry's face. "I asked the house-elf to put it in the wine, they must have screwed it up."  
  
Harry stared in mute disbelief. "Y-you want to marry me?" he asked.  
  
Draco looked nothing short of livid. "Yes, you stupid prat! And you go assuming I'm trying to kill you!"  
  
"B-but Draco-"  
  
"Don't say anything, Harry! It was a stupid idea anyway." Draco cut in, looking for his wand to rescue the boat.  
  
"How about if I just say, 'yes'?"  
  
"Depends. Who's bride? And who gets to be the Groom?" Draco replied. Harry splashed water at him playfully as the swam near each other to embrace.  
  
"Yes, it would be very embarrassing seeing you in a dress," Harry replied.  
  
"Harry, I have absolutely no intention of embarrassing myself. Now you, on the other hand."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	2. The Wedding

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Blotched Job II  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Harry, calm down," Ron said, straightening the other boy's tie.  
  
"I can't calm down, I've never been more nervous in my life," Harry replied.  
  
Hermione walked in to see the two boys getting ready, "This is the strangest wedding I've ever seen in my life. Ron and I are your Bestmen and the flower girl is Winky in a pink dress and the Minister asked Albus Dumbledore if he's nervous about the honeymoon."  
  
"Have you seen Crabbe and Goyle yet?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes, they're out there. Crabbe came in blue, but Arthur said he'd fix it. I feel strange in this suit," Hermione replied.  
  
"You look fine, Hermione, very snazzy," Ron replied, bending over to give Hermione a kiss.  
  
"Ew, guys take it outside, I don't want any het spoiling my day," Harry said.  
  
Ron and Hermione grinned. "Oh, he's so cute, a nervous bride."  
  
"We've been over this before! I'm a Groom! I'm just. the OTHER Groom," Harry replied.  
  
Ginny ran into the tent, looking nervous, "Harry, there aren't enough chairs!"  
  
"What?!" Harry and Hermione exploded.  
  
"Uh, Hermione, I think Harry's stressed enough. Can you go do this, please?" Ron asked.  
  
Hermione ran out of the tent with Ginny. Suddenly, Remus came bursting in.  
  
"Harry! Your floohub to Samatra for the honeymoon has been queued!" he said.  
  
"Shit, Remus, go call another floohub and see if there's anything that can be done!" Ron ordered. Remus disappeared through the flap.  
  
"Don't worry, Harry," Ron said soothingly. "It's going to be ok."  
  
Mrs. Weasley ran by, spotted the tent and ran in, "The camera is broken and we can't fix it!"  
  
Colin followed her looking on the verge of tears. "Nobody can find the other Groom. it's like he's disappeared!" he cried.  
  
"That's it!" Harry screeched. "I'm out of here!"  
  
Harry stormed off, leaving Ron, Molly and Colin in his wake.  
  
The wedding had been planned so carefully, and now it seemed that nothing was going right. Now Draco wasn't even there to make things better. Harry must have sat by the waterside for half an hour. He had very good memories of the water.  
  
"Harry! What are you doing here?" Draco asked, out of breath and running to where Harry was sitting. "The wedding starts in like five minutes."  
  
"I thought you weren't coming." Harry replied, shocked.  
  
"The twins locked me in a cupboard last night. it's a long story. But I'm here! You're a stupid one for jumping to conclusions, you know that?" Draco replied, laughing a little. "Great Gryffindor prat!"  
  
"You really want to do this?" Harry asked in between giggles.  
  
"Merlin, what possessed me?" Draco replied, "I asked you, didn't I? You with your morals, and sense of decency and all that, I hated you for it for so long. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you sit here by the lake. You're thoroughly predictable, it's a real turn-on?"  
  
"Yes, because I'm Gryffindor!" Harry replied.  
  
"You have to come, anyway! My mother and father arrived!" Draco said cheerfully.  
  
"How did you get him to come?" Harry asked, totally shocked.  
  
"Mother doped him to the gills. She didn't want him to spoil our big day!" Draco replied cheerfully and held out his hand for Harry.  
  
Harry laughed and took his hand as they headed for the ceremony.  
  
They had decided, after much discussion, that they would both walk down the isle. Lucius Malfoy would rather die than give Draco away to another man, and James Potter wasn't there anymore, so it was just the two of them.  
  
They reached the top, and the Minister began reciting the vows. Suddenly, Crabbe needed to go to the bathroom.  
  
"Uh, Draco, s'cuse me. Draco."  
  
"What? In the name of Merlin, my father and everything holy is the matter with you Crabbe?" he snapped.  
  
The Minister looked like he was constipated as he heard everything Draco had snapped. It was good, it reminded Harry of everything he was about to marry into. He realised, he didn't care. This kind of thing made Draco very unique.  
  
"I, uh, I have to go to the little boy's room," Crabbe replied.  
  
Draco sighed and turned to the audience. "Do any of you mind?" After his snapping, no one was willing to so much as breath, let alone object to Crabbe going to the bathroom. Draco turned to the Minister, "just a minute. Crabbe! Go and be quick!"  
  
So everyone waited. Twiddling their thumbs until Crabbe came back, blushing furiously with his fly down.  
  
"Do you, .Harry. James. Potter, take. Draco. Marcus. Malfoy to be your lawfully wedded.uh. husband? To. uh.. to have and to. hold, in sickness. and uh. and in health, that's right, for as long as you both shall.. Live, yes live?" The Minister asked.  
  
"I do," Harry replied.  
  
"And do you, Draco. Macus. Malfoy, take. James. Harry. No! Harry James. Potter to be your lawfully wedded. husband again? I dare say! To have and to.to. hold, in sickness and in medical emergency, no wait. health, for as long as you both shall die, er.live?" The Minister asked.  
  
"I do, after all, I'm not here for the cake!" Draco replied.  
  
"Excuse me?" the Minister asked.  
  
"Uh, nothing, sorry, keep going," Harry butt in.  
  
"Right then, take these rings and. uhm."  
  
Needless to say, the ceremony was VERY long. Draco had, after all, insisted upon an old family Minister that would forget his head if it were not firmly attached.  
  
At least it was a ceremony that no one would forget quickly.  
  
"So, Mr. Potter-Malfoy," Draco said, "how is married life suiting you?"  
  
"Well, Mr. Malfoy-Potter," Harry replied, "It's even weirder than I thought it would be."  
  
"Oh? Really?"  
  
"Yes, but a good weird. A VERY good weird."  
  
"Save judgement for the honeymoon, Please." 


	3. The Reception

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Blotched Job III  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You know, we could skip the reception and just go," Draco whispered into Harry's ear.  
  
They had done the obligatory dance together, and they had been patient while Ron gave his Bestman speech. Unfortunately, Ron had been drunk and had begun crying while reciting every brave thing that Harry had done, and how Harry looked so pretty in the dress. Even though Harry wasn't wearing a dress. Now they were sitting through Snape's fifth rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On'.  
  
"Kill me now, it's more humane that way," Harry whispered back.  
  
They were the only ones at the reception who hadn't been on the drink, or so it would seem. Hermione and Ron had disappeared, strange noises came from their room and no one would be going anywhere near there for a few hours.  
  
Neville had been knocked out and dragged off by Millicent Boulstrode and Harry was complaining that that was illegal but Draco didn't seem too bothered.  
  
"It's the only lay Neville is ever going to get," Draco said. "Let him enjoy it."  
  
Just then, Remus who usually would never get drunk, stumbled into Snape while he was singing and started weeping for Sirius. Snape, not knowing what to do, made a quick grope and convinced Remus that a night of lurve with the Potions Master would cure any ailments he had. Remus didn't think about it for very long. The words 'take', 'me' and 'now' were distinguishable.  
  
Harry would have protested but anything to stop Snape singing was a good thing. Remus, after all, should be happy after all those years without Sirius.  
  
"Harry," Draco whispered in his ear. "Nobody would notice if we left a little early."  
  
"Draco!" Harry admonished. "It's wrong and deceitful!"  
  
"So? The place is practically a wreck and anyone who isn't off having carnal drunken monkey sex is. asleep on the floor with the hem of her skirt over her head," Draco replied.  
  
"You just lost me." Harry said confused.  
  
"That's McGonagall. with her skirt over her head!" Draco cried gleefully.  
  
"Oh Merlin. I don't think that sight is ever going to leave my head. I'll need therapy! I'll never enjoy sex again!" Harry cried. Draco slapped him. "Sorry, Draco, thanks for bringing me back to my senses."  
  
"No trouble at all, now, let's GO," Draco said.  
  
"Are you sure?" Harry asked.  
  
"I've never been as sure of anything in my life!" Draco said urgently.  
  
However, Lucius who had stumbled to their table and was leaning against it heavily blocked their escape.  
  
"Boy," Lucius sobbed as he pointed at Harry, "I just want to tell you, you're a lucky ducky. My son's a good man. He'll treat you right. Draco! If you're only marrying him because you knocked him up I'll slap you! Slap you I say! Beware of the trousers! Beware! For they are leather and will reap the Malfoy revenge on you all!"  
  
Narcissa arrived, gave a hearty wink to Draco and Harry and began to lead her husband away quietly.  
  
"Such a pretty wedding! Such a pretty bride! I shagged his father at school." Lucius said through sobs.  
  
"That's nice dear," Narcissa replied as she got an eye full of Minerva.  
  
"Honestly, I think my mother is happiest when she's slipping drugs to my father," Draco reminisced.  
  
"You've got a strange family, Draco," Harry muttered.  
  
"They're your family too now, Harry," Draco replied cheerfully. "C'mon, let's go!"  
  
Draco and Harry got up and were walking through the hall stealthily when Pansy gave out a battle cry and crashed into the Goblin orchestra.  
  
"Take that you damnable Goblins! You haven't seen the last of me!" she cried as the violinist went flying and she set to work on the Cellist.  
  
"Is that normal, Draco?" Harry asked, as Draco was shielding Harry from a raving Pansy.  
  
"You won't believe the stories I have on that girl. Remember that night in first year when we were in the forest and we saw that thing drinking the unicorn blood?" Draco asked.  
  
"How could I forget?" Harry asked as the slid along the wall, trying to stay out of range.  
  
"I only ran because I thought it was Pansy." Draco admitted.  
  
"And if you'd know it was Voldemort?" Harry asked.  
  
"I would have sat down and had tea, complemented him on his robes and enquired about his latest travel," Draco replied coolly, still shielding Harry from Pansy's view.  
  
She'd just dispatched the Cellist and Violist and turned her attention to the last Goblin, the Flutist. The poor little goblin was running around in circles while trying to play as Pansy angrily charged it.  
  
"Should we be doing anything about this?" Harry asked.  
  
Draco looked down at the Violinist. "Nah, they'll be fine."  
  
They continued to creep out while Molly, Arthur and Bill darted passed them in an attempt to rescue the Goblins. As they got out the door, they found Fred and George. They were in the process of taking photos of Dean and Seamus making out.  
  
They hushed Harry and Draco. "We're working for the Coven," Fred whispered.  
  
Bewildered, Harry and Draco ran - as quickly as they could.  
  
"Harry, promise me we'll never renew our vows," Draco said.  
  
"Believe me, Voldemort was never this bad," Harry replied as they made their escapes into the night.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Pansy attacking the band was flogged in an almost vicious manner from the hilarious fic Harry Potter and the Something or Other.  
  
The whole first year forest thinggie was snatched from Maya's Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing.Rat? Which is, as always, a great inspiration to me and insanity in general.  
  
The rest is all me, baby. 


End file.
